


Zombies, Seriously

by ObscureReference



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, Blood, Gen, Minor Character Death, Non-Graphic Violence, mostly lighthearted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 18:32:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6819340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObscureReference/pseuds/ObscureReference
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People screamed at Haus parties all the time. Haus parties were loud. Someone was always chanting, cheering someone else's kegster on, always barking out a too loud laugh or yelling to be heard over the noise.</p><p>This wasn't like any of that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zombies, Seriously

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: I don't think the descriptions in this fic are _that_ graphic, which is why I tagged this fic as "non-graphic," but note that reactions may vary and that if you're the type of person who can't handle the mention of a zombie's head getting hit even without all the explicit details described, this fic may not be for you. Blood is described as well, though nobody waxes poetic about it. Tell me if you think I should be tagging anything else, and I'll do my best! 
> 
> It's a zombie fic but I mostly tried to keep it lighthearted.

"Yo, Shits," Lardo said, leaning casually against the living room wall. Shitty, still clad in the tightest, tiniest pair of shorts she'd ever seen him in, wore nothing else. They were maroon. He called it his "Coming Home" outfit. "What did you put in this tub juice?"

She raised her cup in question, and Shitty grinned back at her, clearly way too proud of himself.

"It's a secret recipe," Shitty told her.

Lardo raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure it's been in your family for generations."

"You bet," Shitty said. "It's been known to knock out full bears and bison with its effects. One jug of this stuff could take down an entire zoo."

She felt her lip twitch.

"Really."

"Absolutely," Shitty said, a clear lie. Lardo was pretty sure the tub juice was actually a bunch of shit Shitty had thrown together sometime in his sophomore year out of boredom. "We tested it once, back in the Antebellum era. A giraffe took one whiff and passed right out."

"I forgot there were giraffes in the United States before the Civil War," Lardo said. "They must have forgotten to cover that section in my history book."

Shitty normally would have taken this opportunity to rant about how awful the education system was and what needed to be reformed, but tonight he leaned against the wall next to her and smiled.

"Government censorship is an amazing thing," he said.

Lardo fought back a grin. She readjusted her stance and once more became aware of the cup in her hand.

"I'm serious though," she said. "What'd you put in this stuff? I'm pretty sure the LAX team is about to be sick."

"Who the hell let them in here?" Shitty scowled, immediately turning and searching the party until he found the familiar faces in the crowd. About half of the LAX team seemed to have shown up, and they all looked like they were sticking together near the tub juice table, their faces unusually pale and drawn.

Shitty waved his fist at the them. "Knock it off! You get sick on anything, you pay for it!" To Lardo, he added, "I don't know why we let any of those assholes in anyway."

She shrugged. Shitty was back for the long weekend. Jack too. She didn't think much could bother her today.

Just as she opened her mouth to add something else—some comment about lacrosse players that she forgot almost as soon as she parted her lips to speak—there was a scream.

People screamed at Haus parties all the time. Haus parties were loud. Someone was always chanting, cheering someone else's kegster on, always barking out a too loud laugh or yelling to be heard over the noise.

This wasn't like any of that.

This was a scream—a _real_ scream. And Lardo knew that voice.

Her head snapped up immediately, the name "Bits" already on her tongue. Shitty was already shoving himself through the crowd. There was only one place to go, even during a party.

"Move!" Lardo snapped, shouldering her way through the bodies blocking the kitchen doorway. They parted instantly. Good.

She wasn't the first to get there. Bitty was standing by the kitchen counter, pale and horrified. Something that was definitely _not_ ketchup dripped from his hands. Lardo sucked in a breath. Nobody behind her moved.

Jack was there too, his arm thrown around Bitty's shoulders in support, pulling him close. Lardo couldn't tell if he'd been there the whole time or if he'd just showed up when Bitty screamed. He was looking intently at a space Lardo refused to glance at just yet. She let her gaze fall on Shitty instead, who stood in the middle of it all, ridiculous, his back to the crowd and his ass almost falling out of his booty shorts.

And finally there was one of the LAX guys laying face down on the kitchen floor, a bloodied kitchen knife sitting right next to his head like someone had dropped it there out of shock. Bitty probably had.

Lardo couldn't see what was wrong with him, but there was a lot of blood pooling surrounding the LAX guy already. It looked old, somehow. Darker than it should have. She thought maybe she had seen too many movies and nothing compared to the real thing.

Bitty was shaking, even with Jack's solid grip around his shoulders. Jack didn't look too hot either.

"I didn't—" Bitty stuttered. "I wasn't—He just came _at_ me, I don't know _what_ was wrong with him—"

This, Lardo thought, was definitely going to take more than Shitty to make it go away. Her brain was still reeling from the image of the LAX bro on the kitchen tile, so obviously dead. Her mouth felt way too dry. Her drink had been dropped at some point. But she still squared her shoulders and took the first step towards Bitty's side, already preparing to make a statement in his defense and call the police if nobody else had their phones out already.

That was when one of the other LAX guys bit into a girl's neck, spraying blood all over the few people unfortunate enough to be standing close to her, and all hell broke loose.

\----------

"Holy shit," Holster said, skating circles around the zombie. "This is... both the scariest and most fun moment of my life."

The body of what used to be an LAX bro reached out to snag Holster's shirt, its fingers missing the cloth by a wide margin. The zombie slipped and slid in place until it finally dropped face-first onto the ice. There was a definite crack as its head made contact, but it still wasn't dead. With old blood slowly dripping down its pale forehead, the zombie still reached out to grab Holster's skates.

Holster easily slipped away. Ransom skated just close enough to poke the zombie with his hockey stick. It swiped at him as well.

"Ransom, Holster, stop playing around already and get rid of it," Jack ordered in his Captain voice. Lardo had to give him props—none of them knew what the hell was going on, but Jack was still keeping them in line anyway. She wouldn't have blamed him if he needed a moment to himself. So far that hadn't happened yet.

"Yes, Captain!" Holster and Ransom chimed in unison. Holster took a hard swing with his stick, and suddenly the zombie's head was no more.

Maybe a breather would come later, she thought. First, there were zombies to fight.

For the rest of the team to fight, anyway. Lardo's job was staying upright.

"I can't believe you guys all had your skates ready," she said, clinging to Bitty's t-shirt. He wore skates while she only had her sneakers. None of them were wearing proper gear—no helmets, no pads, no thick clothes— but then again, none of them had really had the time to grab any. Except their skates, apparently. "Faber is probably one of the least defensible places on this campus. This place is huge."

"It's also an ice rink," Ransom said, flying by.

Holster circled her other side. "Rule number one of the zombie apocalypse: Always be prepared!"

They high-fived. On the other side of the ice, three more zombies climbed into the rink. They quickly toppled under their own weight and proceeded to crawl across the ice. Dex sighed.

"We don't _actually_ know that these are zombies," he said. "This could be a virus or something."

"Yeah, a virus that _kills people_ and _turns them into zombies_ ," Holster scoffed. He took out one of the zombies while Nursey and Dex ganged up on the last two.

Bitty tugged Lardo a little farther into the center of the rink. Jack circled them like a protective shark. She appreciated that. She would have also appreciated getting her footing on solid ground a lot more.

"They seem pretty dead to me," Nursey said.

It was true. The pallor of their skin and the jerky way in which they moved gave the remnants of the LAX team the appearance of zombies. Given a few days, Lardo was willing to bet they'd rot like dead bodies as well. Gross.

"Whatever," Dex said, skating away from Nursey. "Does anyone know where Chowder is? Wasn't he supposed to be at Farmer's tonight?"

"He's still with her," Bitty said. He was a lot steadier on his feet now that he knew he'd stabbed someone who was already dead. "I texted him what was happening, but he didn't seem to know what was going on. He did say they quarantined this half of campus though. He also sent me a Snap from the Volleyball team's dorm housing."

Lardo had seen that Snap. Chowder had seemed pretty pleased with himself, snuggled up on the couch with Farmer leaning in to get in to smile into the camera. It was a pretty cute picture.

"He'll be fine until we get out of here," Shitty said. He was still only wearing the maroon shorts. Also, the flow of undead LAX bros thankfully seemed to be finally thinning. "We've all seen Chowder when he's in the zone. Plus, Farmer's with him. I'm pretty sure she could take out most of these guys by herself."

Lardo didn't doubt that. Farmer had always struck her as fairly practical. Plus, she had muscles that even Lardo was a little envious of. She could probably punch a zombie to death without breaking a sweat. The entire Volleyball team would probably become a zombie fighting army, worse come to worse.

"Yeah, he'll be fine," Nursey said, body language way too relaxed for someone who was bludgeoning the actual undead to a second death.

"Focus," Jack told them all sternly. There were a few stragglers left still climbing into the rink.

These zombies first, Lardo noted. Then, the moment she was off the ice, she was grabbing the biggest hockey stick or baseball bat she could find and going to town on any zombies that got remotely close to her or her team. Then she'd be getting some answers.

Holster swept one upright zombie off its feet, and Ransom smacked it in the face with his stick. Holster followed him up with a second hit. On the other side of the rink, Dex was eyeing a suspicious stain on his skates. Nursey poked him with the handle of his hockey stick. Shitty mumbled something to Jack, and Jack almost looked like he was about to crack a smile despite the blood and gore surrounding them.

Bitty muttered something about the stains in his kitchen, and all at once, everything felt nearly normal. They were definitely getting through this.

"It's probably something in the water," Lardo said, looking up at Bitty. "The pipes at the Haus are old as shit, so the LAX team's are probably even older."

Bitty grimaced. "I do _not_ want to think about what is going on with the pipes right now. They're probably disgusting enough on their own."

Lardo shrugged. "I'm just saying, don't drink anything from the tap for the next couple days."

"Duly noted," Bitty said dryly.

They would probably be in desperate need of new hockey sticks by the time this was all over, but she was pretty sure the Samwell athletic department wouldn't mind shelling out a few extra dollars after this catastrophe. Zombies. Seriously.

**Author's Note:**

> I keep my shorter fics over at my tumblr (http://someobscurereference.tumblr.com/) so feel free to hmu there.


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